Hello from the Other Side
aka the haze of end-of-semester exhaustion
To be frank, friends, I am overwhelmed. I think we all are. Though I am starting essays - on consumerism, boycotts, low blood sugars, live music, and more - I am finding it difficult to finish them. The words are coming, but they aren’t perfect. They’re strained under the harsh realities of a world burdened with the violence of genocide and loss and grief, pain and political anguish. It is difficult, now more than ever, to find words that are useful.
So, today I’m just sharing some updates. A little Spotify Wrapped, some book recommendations, a gay movie to obsess over, and some helpful daily practices. I hope that these things can help sustain you through this time, as we fight exhaustion and grief to continue calling representatives, talking to friends and family, and demanding an immediate ceasefire. It’s a privilege to write about media and stress about grades, and I’m not quick to forget it.
Things I’m Loving:
Spotify Wrapped
It’s my favorite holiday of the year. I love seeing other people’s listening stats, and more than anything, I love seeing my year condensed into colorful, shareable graphics. In the moments before I open my Wrapped every year, I get that tight ball of anxiety in my chest that comes before opening a highly anticipated present. Will it live up to expectations? Will it represent me? Will it be something I’m excited to show off? It’s all silly and inconsequential, but it makes me happy and a little giddy nonetheless.
My top artists were: Noah Kahan, boygenius, Julien Baker, Phoebe Bridgers, and Lucy Dacus.
My top song was Paul Revere" by Noah Kahan, a song I love for the line, “If I could leave, I would’ve already left,” which serves as a perfect parallel to a line from my other favorite, Homesick: “I got dreams but I can’t make myself believe them. Spend the rest of my life with what could’ve been, and I will die in the house that I grew up in.” A winter spent driving across the Midwest, wracking up miles on my Nissan, taking care of my grandparents in the small towns and homes that I still feel attached to, somehow, has kept me coming back to these lines. Over and over and over.
Boygenius is the supergroup comprised of the next three artists on my list, because I love them as a band and as solo artists equally. I love boygenius for their on stage kissing, their topless concerts, and their matching tattoos. I love the lore and the haunting harmonies. Their music possesses a rawness that makes me ache.
Julien Baker is who I listen to when I’m angry at the world and on my way to or from doctor’s appointments. I play Appointments every time I’m spiraling in the pits of chronically ill despair.
Phoebe Bridgers is who I listen to when in the depths of grief. (If you’ve seen Shrinking, you get it.)
Lucy Dacus is who I listen to when I’m craving storytelling and songwriting. Timefighter is her most underrated song, and it itches my brain in the most delicious way.
Honorable mentions: Jensen McRae, whose song Dead Girl Walking was my sixth most listened to, Joy Oladokun, Ethel Cain, and Renee Rapp.
Podcasts
I have entered the stage of full system meltdown where I absolutely cannot bear silence. I cannot have it when I commute or shelve books at work before the library opens or try to drift to sleep. In the absence of something playing in the background, my thoughts have too much space to run haywire. So, for the last year, I’ve been falling asleep to podcasts. These are my favorites:
And That’s Why We Drink: paranormal and true crime stories told by queer best friends
Normal Gossip (the best of the best): anonymized, carefree, juicy, hilarious gossip
Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet: siblings read each other bad reviews, hilarity ensues
Ghosted!: another ghosty show hosted by a trans former drag queen
Audiobooks
Audiobooks have saved my reading this fall. After re-starting school, the time I have to pick up physical books is pitifully low, and the energy I have is even lower. After spending 12 hours a day staring at computer screens, reading words on paper has been a rare indulgence. Some recent listens:
Yellowface by R.F Kuang: For some reason, I put off reading this, convinced the hype would make it fall flat. When a coworker raved, I finally decided to give it a try. I ended up starting and finishing in one day. I was completely and utterly enraptured. It was twisty and turny and suspenseful and enraging. Kuang is brilliant, and I’m even more excited to make my way through her backlist now.
Class by Stephanie Land: Written by the author of Maid, this memoir follows a single mother’s senior year of college while juggling student loans, not having enough money for food, and pursuing her dreams of being a writer and graduating with her Bachelor’s despite it all. I am always hungry for more accounts of the ways that academia is inaccessible, and this audiobook was a vulnerable, honest depiction of life as a student and mother living below the poverty line.
The Woman in Me by Britney Spears: I’m not a massive fan of celebrity memoirs, because I’m not very involved in celebrity gossip. I was, however, interested in reading more about Britney’s experience with her conservatorship, and I was pleasantly surprised by how interesting I found this memoir to be. I am, though I hate to admit it, a bit too young to have been a massive Britney fan, so hearing about her experiences with various other celebrities, the paparazzi, and her family was shocking and enlightening. I truly wish her nothing but the best, and I hope that this was the start of reclaiming some of the autonomy that was kept from her for so long.
Aster of Ceremonies by Jjjjjerome Ellis: Listening to this book of poetry was such a special experience. It is read by the author, a Black neurodivergent man who speaks with a stutter. The poetry has its roots in nature and his ancestry, and he reads it. I appreciated the natural and unedited rhythm and cadence of his reading. His stutters are not edited out but are instead part of the poetry and the reading experience. Accompanied by his reading are sung passages, and it is easily one of my most memorable, visceral audio experiences to date. Listening was a reminder to slow down, to listen attentively, and to relish the variety of ways that stories can be told. It is a celebration of Black disabled ancestry and ceremony - a masterpiece.
Physical Books
I am currently slowly but surely participating in Read Palestine Week by continuing my read of Against the Loveless World by Susan Abulhawa and starting the young adult graphic novel Squire by Nadia Shammas. For more information on this week, free downloadable books, and an events list visit https://publishersforpalestine.org/2023/11/29/free-ebooks-for-readpalestine-week-november-29-december-5/
The last physical books I read and loved were:
The Prospects by K.T. Hoffman: this queer sports romance swept me off my feet! Two baseball players, teammates turned rivals turned teammates, are forced into each other’s lives. One is trans with ADHD, and the author is gay with anxiety. I love them. They made my heart swell. Yay sports, yay gays.
Let Us Descend by Jesmyn Ward: The latest from the author I’ve read the most from this year and it didn’t disappoint. Ward is an absolute wordsmith, and I will read anything and everything she writes. I’m just glad that I haven’t exhausted her backlist yet. I cannot recommend her books enough. Like the others I’ve read, Let Us Descend is a haunting portrayal of trauma and survival, and its imagery lingers long after turning the final page.
The Faithless by C.L. Clark: I won’t say much, but I adored this sequel to The Unbroken. Immaculate sapphic disability representation woven into a complex, enrapturing fantasy setting. I am so happy to keep this series on my favorites shelf.
Movies/TV
I can’t believe the strike ended and I never took the opportunity to scream about my loves!
Bottoms: This movie is COMEDIC PERFECTION, and I will hear absolutely nothing less. Ayo Edebiri is everything to me, and this movie brought me an unimaginable amount of delight. Let gay people be trash goblins!
Our Flag Means Death: I won’t spoil anything, but obviously I laughed, cried, squealed, shrieked, and sobbed my way through this season. I am but a barnacle on their ship. I adore every character, and I am so glad this absolutely outrageous show exists. Season 2 was everything I could have hoped for.
Dr. Who: Everything you need to know about my current sanity can be assessed by the fact that I am four seasons into a Dr. Who rewatch and am listening to excessive amounts of pop punk. If I redownload Tumblr, it’s a cry for help. All jokes about the return of teenage Autumn’s hyperfixations aside, I’m shocked by how queer the show is, and apparently has been for ages. It’s deeply heartwarming to see David Tennant’s unwavering support of the trans community, and I can’t wait to eventually make my way to the newest season, starring Ncuti Gatwa.
Soccer (Football)
Yes, you’re getting a soccer (football) update. The NWSL season is over, which has left me moderately bereft, but in its place I have completely latched myself onto the WSL. For a while, I didn’t pick favorites, but it’s hard to resist the lure of Chelsea (and Sam Kerr…) I’m thrilled that the US Women’s National Team will be acquiring their coach (manager) Emma Hayes, and I’m hopeful that the youngins on the squad paired with a fresh coach will kick them into gear.
Helpful Practices
Demanding a Ceasefire! Adding daily calls to my representatives to my to do list often doesn’t feel helpful, truthfully, but it is one small thing that I can easily do to support the call for an immediate and permanent ceasefire in Israel and Palestine. I use the 5 Calls app, which is a free resource that pulls up your representatives, their contact information, and a script to follow when calling. As an anxious caller who quickly gets overwhelmed, this has helped me bunches! If a script still doesn’t feel like enough, try calling outside of business hours. You can leave a voicemail without having to speak to a live person.
Conscious Consumerism: This can take many forms. For me, it means participating in boycotts when it’s feasible (I’m not buying from Starbucks, despite my love for a chestnut praline latte) and thinking twice about purchases. The holidays are a tool of capitalism, and there is a difference between allowing yourself small joys and thoughtlessly shopping. Be wary of trends and the inundation of links from influencers. Make a list of things you want and sit on it for a couple of weeks. Consider whether they are needs or wants. Determine whether you could find the items secondhand or make do with something you currently own. We’ve all been there! It’s easy to want to have the same immaculately decorated space or perfectly festive wardrobe, but the things that feel like needs often lose their shine after a month. Slow down, shop small when you can, and try to be a stickier cog in the machine of capitalism.
Setting Boundaries: I am bad at this! I have always been bad at this! Not answering the phone, not replying the texts instantly, and refusing holiday plans that I know will leave me sicker than I was before them are all ways I am preserving what little energy I have. This season is a particularly difficult time to stay firm in boundaries, and as a sick person with very limited energy to begin with, I’m making promises to myself that I will not destroy my brain and body to make others happy.
If you also struggle with this, I find it helpful to tell friends your boundaries. Tell them: I’ve decided I won’t be traveling this month. I won’t be doing x, y, z. Accountability helps, I’ve found.
List Making: I wouldn’t have survived this semester without daily lists. I used to be a firmly “fly by the seat of my pants” type of person. I laughed in the face of organization and Virgos everywhere. I lived my life on the brink of chaos and relied solely on shoddy memory and reminder texts to get me through my schedule. Adding full time school, a part time job, and various side hustles into the mix of doctor’s appointments, bills, and newsletters (this is over a week late - I’m sorry) would have made that a nightmare. So, my recipe for success:
- Monthly calendar with all due dates, appointments, and work schedule written, color coded, and crossed off as they’re completed
- Daily to do lists written in a different notebook the night before. This helps me to carry over anything I didn’t finish to the next day, and clearing my head before bed makes me less anxious
- Add chores, basic self care, and fun things to the list too (if I don’t write down “eat something that isn’t chips,” I probably won’t manage to do it, and there’s nothing better than being able to check a box for watching a soccer game.)
Coming Up Next:
Wondering what essays I’ve started and haven’t finished?
- Thoughts on disability representation (what makes good representation? How do we limit ourselves?)
- Thoughts on chronic illness and consumerism
- An ode to live music
- Musings on the connections between gender and disability
Thanks for reading and for being patient with me. Take care of yourself, friends.
Ooh, if you like normal gossip, try petty crimes!
Jesmyn Ward is a national treasure. ♥️✨