A Month with No Writing

October as seen from my notes app

In October, I filled my notes app with ideas for essays, but every time I got around to trying to write them, the bones of my hands ached or my eyelids were too heavy or another corporate finance exam popped up and stole all of my time. It was a long, draining month - nothing new, truthfully - but that doesn’t make it all bad. Someday I’d like to write long form pieces on many of these topics - things like the phrase ‘special needs,’ consumption and the internet, and everything I’ve learned being a nontrad student - but for now, here are the bits and pieces I jotted down throughout the month.

On Consumerism

When Amazon announced a new line of Kindles (new versions? new colors? both?) my Instagram feed was awash with immediate purchasers. A few buying for the accessibility features that come with a color Kindle, some eager to replace an old or faulty device, but the majority looking to add to their collection. I watched as people who already owned a handful - not just one or two - of Kindles immediately gush to their followers about this new purchase.

It, to be completely honest, made me queazy.

I love my Kindle. It is one of the best gifts I’ve received. It makes reading easier on my hands, and it has helped me read more books - all from my library - than I would have without it. This is the power of an accessibility tool, and I think e-readers should be considered as such. I would encourage anyone who struggles with their hands to invest in an e-reader if holding books ever becomes too painful or difficult, because it has helped more than I could have ever anticipated. That said, I can happily say that I only need one of them, because I can only read one book at any one moment (I do not have two heads) and I can carry it with me wherever I go.

When social media bursted at the seams with the ravenous upswell of consumerism as a result of this Kindle drop, I posted a handful of videos discussing consumerism, social media, and the reminders that I have started using to battle the (often nonsensical) urger to buy the next new shiny thing. In response, I heard from a lot of people feeling similarly and a handful eager to process their guilt over consumption habits.

Social media has gamified existence. It has convinced us that buying and owning the trending, new, hip thing will level us up in life. We will be perceived differently. We will be taken more seriously. We will be more loved, more desired, more whole. There is nothing that you can buy from Amazon that will make you more loved, desired, or whole. There is joy, often fleeting. There is increased accessibility. There is a need met. Yet, despite what the filtered, edited, and voiced over content from your favorite influencers may tell you, buying that thing is likely not going to change your world.

Questions I ask myself before making a purchase:

• Do I need this?

• Do I want this because I want to seem [insert descriptor here]?

• Do I want to tell the internet I have this? Would I still want this without social media?

• Will I be happy with this purchase 1, 5, 10 years from now?

• Does this purchase align with my values? (Who is it benefiting? Can I wait to save up my money and buy from a small business? How will this impact the environment? Who are the people working behind the scenes, and are they being treated fairly?)

There are always exceptions to these rules. I make frivolous purchases. I am so far from perfect when it comes to consumption, but I have also grown so much. Being unemployed for a long stretch of time and still being only partially employed has taught me so much about my own consumption behaviors, as has changing my relationship with social media and ‘influencing.’ I found that so much of my consumption was a behavior I longed to break.

Slow down, ask questions, and take a deep breath. Make a list of things you want and leave the items there to simmer until you feel confident in your decision. Set limits on your social media scrolling time, and try to ground yourself in your reality (not the reality of a stranger online.) You probably don’t need that new Kindle, and that’s okay (turns out it’s getting garbage reviews anyhow.)

On “Special Needs” (& why you should stop using it immediately)

The first time someone referred to me as “special needs,” I was a 24 year old returning college student. I had spent years as the Regional Administrative Manager for three mental health clinics during the pandemic. I had gone to the University of Michigan on almost a full ride scholarship. I say this because no amount of “success” on paper can save you from ableism. This is something I have learned in a myriad of different, equally painful ways.

Five minutes into my conversation with my first advisor at the University of Wisconsin - Madison, she asked me about my academic and work history, asked why I was going back to school after years away, why I hadn’t finished the degree that, by all accounts, I had the grades and the drive to finish. I saved her the gory details, but I explained that much of my academic path had been determined by disability - by ableist professors and a lack of systemic support. When I explained my plan to finish the degree in two years - driven by my need to graduate as soon as possible to obtain a job with medical benefits - she shocked me by saying:

“I’ve only had one student complete their degree that quickly, and he wasn’t special needs.”

The phrase “special needs” can be used in two ways: unintentionally harmful and intentionally harmful. There is no way to utilize this phrase that is not acutely harmful, regardless of intent. When used to intentionally cause harm, diminish a disabled person’s intelligence and autonomy, and belittle someone, the source of harm is evident. When used unintentionally, the harm can be more insidious.

After utilizing the label “special needs” for the first time, my advisor proceeded to fight me at every turn. As I followed my plan, maxing out on credit limits, taking summer courses, never letting myself take a break, she told me I couldn’t do it. She made grand, sweeping statements to discourage me.

“No one has ever taken that course with other courses. It’s too much work.”

“I don’t want you to burn yourself out. Healthy students can’t even take that much on.”

“I’m concerned about your health. Are you sure?”

Even as I confidently flew through courses with a 4.0 GPA, never once faltering or expressing a need to slow down, she pressured me to lighten my load and drop courses, despite knowing that this was not a decision made lightly. It was a decision based on the face that this April, in 6 months, I will be losing my health insurance.

The label “special needs” is factually inaccurate. Every single student, every single human, has needs unique to them. One of my best friends never calls. We text every day. Another rarely texts, preferring a phone call. My friendships have different needs, unique to them, and yet I do not refer to them as special needs, because their needs are normal.

Why have we decided to name disabled folks’ accessibility needs as something anything other than normal? There is nothing special about being a human being with needs.

When my advisor labeled me as “special needs,” I saw the result. She painted a picture of me in her head that did not exist. She imagined me as a student who could not manage a high stress, high volume workload. This fictitious perspective of me resulted in her telling me that I could not graduate until taking courses this summer. Her plan, though I fought against it, pushed my graduation farther than I had hoped, yet when I was assigned a new advisor, I was immediately provided a solution. Though I still have to request an exception to graduate in the time frame I have worked towards, I was given the tools to try.

That is all disabled folks need. The tools to try. Those aren’t special.

Tug of War: Tips on Managing Disability, School, & Work

• Do things from bed without shame.

• Heat up frozen meals (eating something is better than eating nothing. You don’t have to cook.)

• Try to spend some time outside of bed. Make it to the couch if not the desk. Sometimes a day in bed is needed, but sometimes too much time in bed makes me more miserable.

• Breathe fresh air. Can you sit outside for a minute? If not, open a window (if it isn’t too cold. As a Minnesotan, this bullet point is nearing the end of its usefulness.)

• Make a calendar with deadlines. Do your work before the deadlines, and let go of the expectation that you will be ahead.

• Cancel plans strategically. Consider which things will fill you up, which will drain you, and which you have to push through.

• Set alarms throughout the day (wake up, get ready, eat, take medicine, leave the house, for a nap, etc.) Push them back, but push them back in segments. Stay in bed for half an hour more, then another 15 minutes, then finally shower. Give yourself grace where you have the power to do so, but try to avoid turning off the alarm entirely.

October Books

• Currently Reading:

  • Intermezzo by Sally Rooney: I’m presently only a little over halfway through, despite starting it on October 1, because it’s so good that I can’t bear to pick it up when I’m distracted, miserable, or a little tipsy. It’s the type of book whose writing is so involved and whose characters are so vivid that I can only read it when I have the headspace and environment to fully commit to obsession. I do really love it, though.

  • The Rachel Incident by Caroline O’Donoghue: I started it in an airport on my Kindle because I wanted more Irish lit. It was surprisingly easy to fall into, and I devoured the first 30%. I have yet to finish, but I have lingering questions about whether it is perhaps a bit fetishistic of queer people, specifically gay men and the gay best friend trope. I am cautiously keeping my hopes high that it will be an altogether enjoyable read.

• Finished in October:

  • An Honest Woman: A Memoir of Love and Sex Work by Charlotte Shane (audio): I didn’t love, or really even like, this memoir. The voice was engaging, and the stories were interesting and enlightening, but the book was ruined by the author’s unmistakeable misogyny. The entire book fell prey to a case of “I’m not like other girls,” and it was pushed further by the author’s evident dismissal and disapproval of other women, such as those who do not sleep with their husbands, her clients. Altogether disappointing and lacking depth.

  • The Message by Ta-Nehisi Coates (audio): HIGHLY recommend. Once I started listening, I couldn’t stop. I cried listening to Coates discuss book banning - in particular, a school board meeting that he attended in defense of his own book - as it feels increasingly prevalent and close to home as a Youth Services library employee. The best part, in my opinion, was the portion dedicated to discussing his time spent in Palestine. He discusses the misstep he made in including Israel in his piece, “The Case for Reparations,” and the propaganda that resulted in a judgment error like that one. I appreciated this, in large part, because I am someone who has posted, shared, and said really incorrect and damaging things in regards to Israel. For so long, I fell prey to Israeli propaganda and did not do the vital work of seeking out Palestinian voices. Know better, do better - Coates certainly did so. Free Palestine.

  • Long Bright River by Liz Moore (e-book): I have complicated feelings about this book. It thrived in its setting. Long Bright River reads as though Moore truly knows the streets and neighborhoods in which it takes place, turning Philadelphia into a type of character in itself, and I loved that. The plot was compelling, and I was hooked - something I don’t experience often in thrillers or mysteries (my least favorite genres.) With that said, I have some qualms with the writing. The use of first person narration ocassionally led to the writing feeling amateur, with lines almost directed at the reader (i.e. “let me say this” or “I won’t bore you.”) I also found the lack of quotation marks confusing, something I rarely take fault with. This is likely due to the overall structure of the paragraphs and a lack of significantly distinct voice between characters. Most importantly, I will always be cautious in my endorsement of books that utilize addiction as a primary plot point, particularly in this genre. I would love to read Own Voices reviews to feel more confident in my read of this one! It felt well researched and well intentioned, but intention doesn’t always translate.

October Watches

• Agatha All Along: I feel that I can’t say much, because of spoilers, but I will say that if you know me you know this show was like catnip. Kathryn Hahn, Aubrey Plaza, and Sasheer Zamata in this show would’ve yanked baby Autumn out of the closet by her long, very bleached hair.

• WNBA Finals: I went to my very first WNBA game, and it was game 3 of the Finals! Though my beloved Lynx lost the series to the Liberty in game 5, it was such a joy to be in a sold out, record breaking crowd witnessing two incredibly talented teams. Becoming a devoted fan of the W was a real highlight of my year, and I’m so glad I made it to this game, even if we lost in the final seconds. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: women’s sports have been a consistent source of joy and community for me, even when both of those things seem distant. Go Lynx!

October Listens

• CHROMAKOPIA by Tyler, the Creator: the biggest surprise of the year thus far for me. I listened on a whim and have been absolutely obsessed. Bangers, interesting sound, 10/10

• What a Relief by Katie Gavin: a debut solo album by the lead singer of MUNA, I had high hopes and they were met. As someone who prefers folk to pop most times, I may even prefer this solo project to MUNA. “Inconsolable” is on repeat. All day every day.

• Observations from a Crowded Room by Joy Oladokun: As a whole album listener (I listen in order only, and I prefer an album to any other form of music: playlists, singles, etc.) I fucking love this project. The album is interspersed with recorded musings - literal observations - from Joy that made listening feel intimate. They made me cry, and I loved that vulnerable decision. I would love to see Joy work with a really strong producer, because I think she has new heights to reach.

• New podcast listen! I added Best Friends, hosted by Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata, to my weekly rotation after falling in love with Sasheer in Agatha All Along, and I couldn’t be more pleased. I love podcasts because they give me the long-lost feeling of being with my friends, and this one scratches that itch perfectly. So! Funny!

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That’s all for now! Thank you for your support, encouragement, and patience as I battle through these last two semesters of school. I hope your October was a good one, but if not, I hope November brings at least a dash of good. I’m glad you’re here.